My McSweeney's piece from 2005, with a few minor changes.

In the big inning, God created Heaven on Earth. And it was without form, and void. God separated the dirt from the grass. He called the grass Outfield and the dirt He called Infield. God made the Infield a 90-foot square and the Outfield not less than 400 feet to center and 320 feet down the lines. He declared this Fair Territory. All other territory, God then declared, was Foul.

And God divided the players into two teams of nine players each, under direction of a manager, to play The Game on His field. God called some of these players Pitchers and some of them Hitters. He placed a Pitcher precisely 60 feet 6 inches from a Hitter. Then God commanded that it's one, two, three strikes you're out at the ol' Ballgame.

And God granted jurisdiction of The Game to lesser Gods, whom He called Umpires. God said the Umpires are infallible, blessed with Heavenly authority, whose judgment is not to be questioned under penalty of expulsion from The Game. And God looked at his creation and He was pleased. Then God created the Infield Fly Rule to confuse nonbelievers.

And God said, Let there be light beer, and there was. And, God said, let there be peanuts and hot dogs and overpriced souvenirs and let there be frosty chocolate malts with little wooden spoons that you can buy nowhere else except at this Heaven, which God called a Ballpark, and there was. God looked at His creation and it was good.

And the Lord God formed, from the dust, a collection of elite players in His own image. The Lord God then breathed the breath of life into His creation. God called this creation the National League.

And God said, It is not good for the National League to be alone. The Lord God shall make it a mate. And thus, while the National League slept, God took several of its top players and created the American League.

And God blessed The Game, saying, Be fruitful and multiply. Put teams in every city with deserving fans, God added, even if this occurs at the expense of starting-pitching depth.

From time to time, God understood, The Game would be corrupted by the Serpent. The Serpent was more cunning than any other beast and he would take many wicked forms: the Black Sox, segregation, the Designated Hitter, the Reserve Clause, dead balls, juiced balls, spit balls, corked bats, George Steinbrenner, AstroTurf, the 1981 strike, collusion, lockouts, Pete Rose, the 1994 strike, greenies, cocaine, HGH, Andro, steroids, $20 parking, Congressional hearings, corporate mallparks, Scott Boras, Donald Fehr, and Bud Selig.

But, God said, the goodness in The Game shall always prevail. As needed, the Lord shall bestow upon The Game a Savior. And the Savior, like the Serpent, can take many forms. The Savior shall remind Fans how blessed The Game truly is. The Savior shall be called by many names, including Cy, Matty, Honus, Big Train, the Babe, Wrigley Field, Fenway Park, Branch Rickey, Jackie Robinson, Buck O'Neil, Hank Greenberg, Red Barber, Harry Caray, Vin Scully, Jack Buck, Satchel Paige, Bill Veeck, Roberto Clemente, Ernie Banks, Hammerin' Hank, The Iron Horse, The Iron Man, Cool Papa, Dizzy, Lefty, Whitey, Stan the Man, Big Klu, the Say Hey Kid, Campy, Duke, the Mick, the Splendid Splinter, the Gas House Gang, the Big Red Machine, the Damn Yankees, Pudge Fisk, Pudge Rodriguez, Yaz, Pops, the Wizard of Oz, Fernandomania, George Brett, Moonlight Graham, Roy Hobbs, Wild Thing Vaughn, Bingo Long, the Ryan Express, the Rally Monkey, the Bloody Sock, the Big Unit, Rickey, Eck, the Cactus League, Tony Gwynn, Camden Yards, Rotisserie Drafts, Sabermetrics, Web Gems, Derek Jeter, Pujols, Vladdy, The O-Dog, Youk, Prince, Longoria, Nate The Great and, from the Far East, Ichiro and Dice-K. And God guaranteed there are many more to come.

God looked upon His creation and He was very pleased. And God spoke, yelling, PLAY BALL!

Crosley Field, Cincinnati. Opening Day 1957. 

 

I wrote this for you because, as you know, you are more interesting than me.

1. This isn’t even close to what you thought adulthood would be like.
2. You don’t spend enough time outside.
3. Your parents are secretly disappointed in you.
4. You are secretly disappointed in them as well.
5. You didn’t understand what the big deal was but you pretended like you did.
6. Despite all evidence to the contrary, you think are an above average driver.
7. Despite all evidence to the contrary, you think you have a great sense of humor.
8. You’re going to wait until it gets a little worse before you see the doctor.
9. You are never going to finish that book.
10. You still believe you got a good deal at the time.
11. Deep down, you don’t really like classical music.
12. You don’t remember that person at all but still made them your “friend.”
13. You usually stop reading inane lists about halfway through.
14. You know there is no evidence but you believe it anyway.
15. You won’t drink Goldschlager after that one time in college.
16. You are kind of worried that your ISP knows what web sites you visit.
17. You often act like you don’t care but then you won’t shut up about it.
18. You know that the “five second rule” is really thirty seconds if nobody is looking.
19. You don’t have the guts to tell the woman who cuts your hair that it looks kind of lame.
20. You had that Anderson Cooper dream again.
21. You didn’t intend to eat the whole bag.
22. Even if you don’t start on it until tomorrow, you can probably still finish it in time.
23. You’re usually pretty good at it but you’re just out of practice.
24. You hint at your own insecurities in lists that are ostensibly about others.
25. You’re not as bad as everyone says.

The following people, to my surprise, are older* than the new President of The United States who was born August 4, 1961.

* - or would be.

Michael Stipe
Dominique Wilkins
Greg Louganis
Kirby Puckett
Bono
Brad Garrett
Valerie Bertinelli
Jeffrey Dahmer
John Elway
Chuck D.

Fight "the power," who happens to be younger than both D and Flav.

David Duchovny
Antonio Banderas
Sarah Brightman
Cal Ripken, Jr
Hugh Grant
Joan Jett
Van Damme
Tilda Swinton
JFK, Jr.
Gabrielle Carteris
Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Henry Rollins
Wayne Gretzky
Julianne Moore

This woman is older than the President.

Vince Neil
Amy Sedaris
Eddie Murphy
Isiah Thomas
Princess Di
Michael J. Fox

Teen Wolf could be a middle-aged Presidential Wolf by now.

Dennis Rodman
Tim Roth
Melissa Etheridge
Ricky Gervais
Toby Keith

I have no real point.

It just seems strange and would make me feel old too if I admitted to caring about such matters.